May 30, 2003

It looks like relations between the United States and Iran are about to get worse. The US has set its sights on Iraq’s next door neighbour and is reported to be "ready to embrace an aggressive policy of trying to destabilize the Iranian government."

Of course, it would be unfair of the US to go after Iran without spelling out what the problem is, so here’s a draft memo President Bush should feel free to use to make his position clearer.

Memo to Iranian Fellers From President Bush:

How’s it going? Hot enough for ya? Of course it is - y’all live in a desert.

So enough of the small talk. Let’s get down to business, as we say in Texas.

It has come to my attention that in spite of our warnings, you people continue to be Iranians. And don’t think you can get away with anything by calling yourselves Persians. I looked it up - it turns out you’re one and the same people. Why you’d want to name a country after a rug I’ll never know.

We have also learned that your government has been infiltrated at every level by Muslims. Not only that, but they don’t make any bones about being Muslims. In fact, I don’t think you even have a single Methodist in your government.

It’s not like we’ve forgotten about that hostage taking back in the seventies. We even had to have our people saved by some small potatoes country. It was that little country to the north of the United States, the name of which escapes me for the moment. For a while I thought it was Mexico, but then the Secretary of State pointed out that I had my globe upside down. It turns out it’s that country that’s coloured in all red on the maps - Canada.

I once got one of their quarters in the White House soda machine. I see they’re still ruled by a queen up there. Don’t think that once all this is over we’re not going to look into liberating them too.

So back to you Iranians or Persians, or whatever. Remember the Iraqi deck of cards? Well, I just got off the phone with Kinko’s, and they’re ready to whip up a new batch with you guys on them. They can be ready Thursday, unless that Greg guy is on the desk, since he screws up all our orders. Friday at the latest. And within a week everyone will be flooded with emails offering them for sale. Ask yourself, is there anything more embarrassing than showing up as the two of clubs?

Do you still think we need proof before we get tough with you guys? Remember those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? We’re still looking for them - the same way OJ is still looking for the real killers. All I have to do is get someone to call up CNN to say they’ve been shipped to Syria or Baltic Avenue or somewhere. Next thing you know it’ll be on one of those bulletins with a picture of the World Trade Center in the background, and Bob’s your uncle, whatever that means.

And don’t count on the American people being tired of war. Until the next Survivor series comes on there’s nothing good to watch anyway. Baseball season is slow and no one cares about the teams in the Stanley Cup.

You can see I’m no Jimmy Carter. No one is about to give me the Nobel Peace Prize, if you know what I mean, so watch yourselves.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.