November 6, 1998
Consider this a public service for husbands
everywhere.
There are a lot of simple things that men should
be doing to keep on the good side of their wives
and girlfriends. The problem is, we men haven't a
clue what they are.
And we don't get a lot of help figuring it out
either. Women's magazines make it sound like a
happy relationship is all about sex and
communications.
Baloney. If only it were that simple. Loving
someone is a lot easier than living with them.
So I've been keeping a little list of personal
observations that I think can make men instantly
into better husbands.
First, for some reason men are incapable of
filling an ice cube tray. We know how to use ice.
I'm pretty sure they covered how to make ice in
grade eight science.
Yet men cannot take an empty tray from the
freezer to the tap and back again. I guarantee
full ice cube trays will win your lady's heart.
You can lose her just as fast if you don't
replace the toilet paper roll.
Men don't have the same relationship with toilet
paper that women do. For us, it's functional, so
we don't give it much thought.
Women think about it constantly - and not just
when they see an empty roll hanging there. A sale
on toilet paper at a drug store sends the women I
know into a delirious frenzy. They know few joys
greater than coming home with a 48-pack.
Nothing makes them madder than realizing there
is none in the bathroom and the other 47 rolls are
downstairs.
Even leaving the toilet seat up pales in
comparison.
If you don't take a turn at doing the laundry
once in a while, a good husband at least hits the
laundry hamper with his socks and undies.
There's nothing wrong with throwing them across
the room (unless you're in the middle of a dinner
party) but if you miss the basket, pick them up.
Nothing makes a wife more unhappy than being
treated like your mother.
And if you're asked for fashion advice, remember
there is only one answer to the question: "Does
this make me look fat?"
The answer is always: "No". But not just "no" -
you have to say no without even looking up. If you
look and consider the question, you're as good as
admitting that the answer could be yes.
And a fitting room is no place for humour.
Comments like: "It's not the dress, it's your hips"
will not win you any Husband of the Year Awards.
Unless you want to run for Ex-Husband of the Year.
A superior husband takes out the smelliest
garbage, and doesn't insist you first look at the
greenest things in the back of the fridge before
throwing them out.
Finally, a good husband is always ready to kill
household bugs. More important, after the
offending insect has been squashed, a good husband
doesn't say: "I can't believe you're afraid of a
little bug."
My wife seems to find a centipede hiding in the
coffee cups every morning. And every morning I roll
up a paper and smash their little brains out.
A good husband is always willing to put his life
on the line. Just don't use the last piece of
toilet paper to pick the bug up.
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