People are always saying there's nothing
you can count on - there are no guarantees, no such thing as
a sure thing.
Those people are wrong. There are plenty
of things you can be sure will happen no matter what. Don't believe
me? Here's a list of some things you can always count on:
- Anything you write will have a spelling
mistake you don't catch in the first sentnace.
- The day you meet your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend
on the street will be the day you slept on your hair funny, have
a zit on your forehead and generally look like hell.
- Your gas tank will hit empty the day
after a big jump in fuel prices - and the day before they drop
- No matter how good the warranty on your
dishwasher, whatever goes wrong is not covered. If it is covered,
your warranty expired yesterday.
- Canada Post delivers any cheques you
write the next day. Cheques sent to you take a month and a half
- The only time in your life you are stopped
by the cops, your driver's license will be in your other pants.
- Anything you buy will go on sale next
week. Anything on sale that you want to buy will be out of stock
or only available in orange.
- Any high-tech stocks you think of buying
go sky-high - until you actually buy them. Then they tank immediately
and the president goes to jail for fraud.
- If your name gets mentioned in the paper,
it will be spelled wrong.
- Your dentist will recommend replacing
all your old fillings at about the same time as she is putting
an addition on her home.
- If there's only one seat left on the
bus, it will be next to the guy with the tinfoil hat and the
"Ask Me About Jesus" t-shirt.
- Your kids' six dollar hamster will at
some point require two hundred dollars of medicine.
- Just before the big presentation you
will (if you're a man) get ketchup on your tie or (if you're
a woman) put your thumb through your eight dollar pantyhose.
- If you make a comment about a drunken
guest at a wedding, it will be the father of someone within earshot.
- The PIN number you need at the bank
machine will be the only one you can't remember.
- The longer you are on hold, the more
likely the person who answers can't help you.
- If you wash the car, the tree over your
driveway will be the next meeting place for the Association of
- You are guaranteed to remember your
anniversary five minutes after all the stores close.
Doesn't it make you feel better that
there are some things in this world you'll always be able to