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A Sure Thing

by Stephen Lautens


November 17, 2000

People are always saying there's nothing you can count on - there are no guarantees, no such thing as a sure thing.

Those people are wrong. There are plenty of things you can be sure will happen no matter what. Don't believe me? Here's a list of some things you can always count on:

  • Anything you write will have a spelling mistake you don't catch in the first sentnace.
  • The day you meet your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend on the street will be the day you slept on your hair funny, have a zit on your forehead and generally look like hell.
  • Your gas tank will hit empty the day after a big jump in fuel prices - and the day before they drop again.
  • No matter how good the warranty on your dishwasher, whatever goes wrong is not covered. If it is covered, your warranty expired yesterday.
  • Canada Post delivers any cheques you write the next day. Cheques sent to you take a month and a half to arrive.
  • The only time in your life you are stopped by the cops, your driver's license will be in your other pants.
  • Anything you buy will go on sale next week. Anything on sale that you want to buy will be out of stock or only available in orange.
  • Any high-tech stocks you think of buying go sky-high - until you actually buy them. Then they tank immediately and the president goes to jail for fraud.
  • If your name gets mentioned in the paper, it will be spelled wrong.
  • Your dentist will recommend replacing all your old fillings at about the same time as she is putting an addition on her home.
  • If there's only one seat left on the bus, it will be next to the guy with the tinfoil hat and the "Ask Me About Jesus" t-shirt.
  • Your kids' six dollar hamster will at some point require two hundred dollars of medicine.
  • Just before the big presentation you will (if you're a man) get ketchup on your tie or (if you're a woman) put your thumb through your eight dollar pantyhose.
  • If you make a comment about a drunken guest at a wedding, it will be the father of someone within earshot.
  • The PIN number you need at the bank machine will be the only one you can't remember.
  • The longer you are on hold, the more likely the person who answers can't help you.
  • If you wash the car, the tree over your driveway will be the next meeting place for the Association of Incontinent Crows.
  • You are guaranteed to remember your anniversary five minutes after all the stores close.

Doesn't it make you feel better that there are some things in this world you'll always be able to count on?

© Stephen Lautens 2000

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