November 3, 2000
It's nice to see that all the political
parties in the upcoming Federal election have pledged not to
stoop to mudslinging. By taking the high road, they want the
Canadian public to be able to focus on the issues, not personalities.
That way we can have faith that those we elect to govern us are
mature, educated adults and not name-calling children.
But the cracks are already starting to
show in this whole maturity thing. Neither side can resist a
cheap shot, and you know the negative ads can't be far behind.
Like they say in the US, an election is no place for an intelligent
debate of the issues.
So why don't we just let them get it
of their chests? All candidates debates are going on from coast
to coast, and if they're going to get childish anyway, I for
one would like to see the gloves really come off.
It might go something like this:
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to
the all candidates debate for the riding of East Diddle-Squash-Hokum.
Representing the governing party we have Mr. Robert James, and
from the Opposition we have Mr. James Roberts. Mr. Roberts, you
won the toss, so you start."
"Thank you. I'd like to say from
the outset that I don't think it should be an issue that my honourable
opponent supports the funding of cross-dressing hermaphrodites."
"For the love of Pete, all I did
was rent The Crying Game at the video store. Besides, what about
those fancy European catered dinners you have delivered weekly
to your home?"
"It's called Swiss Chalet. For my
part, I certainly don't intend to make an issue out of the fact
my friend is a dangerous religious extremist."
"All I said was 'bless you' when
you sneezed. And what about you? My fellow Canadians, it is a
known fact that my friend from the other party is a member of
a secret international society with chapters all over the world."
"I assume you're referring to my
being a Rotarian. What about your so-called strong stand on drugs?
My friends, it is with a heavy heart that I have to tell you
that my esteemed colleague has been popping pills for years.
I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
There he was on the street corner, having just scored some drugs
from a local supplier."
"Those are my heart pills, and the
local drug store is on that street corner. What about the fact
that this so-called pillar of the community has spent a considerable
part of his life in jail?"
"What my dear friend neglects to
point out is that I was a prison guard. Anyway, do you want to
elect someone who wore diapers?"
"What you fail to mention is that
I was a baby at the time. And I just heard you sell your soul
to the devil."
"No, what I said was that I'd give
anything if you'd just shut up."
"My friends, this is why we have
laws against cousins marrying."
"And this is what happens when you
mix your drinks."
"Gentlemen, sadly your time is up,
but I know we all benefited from knowing where you stand on the
important issues of the day, and can be confident that no matter
who wins, East Diddle-Squash-Hokum will be in good hands."