October 27, 2000
I've made a strict rule for this Halloween.
At my house no one gets any candy if
they're not as dressed up as I am. And coming to the door dressed
as a sullen teenager doesn't count.
Come on people. Halloween isn't that
difficult a concept. You dress up and get candy. If you're not
dressing up but still going door to door demanding loot, that's
what we call robbery.
As kids we agonized for weeks over what
costume we would be wearing. The best ones were made out of huge
cardboard boxes that made it impossible to walk, hold a bag or
dodge oncoming cars. Others required you to shred your father's
best suit and pour fake blood on one of his shirts.
Now it's apparently too much effort to
spray paint your entire body silver and shave your head for Halloween.
I'm not saying people don't do it - it's just that they don't
seem to be doing it for Halloween.
Of course as a kid you had to be on the
lookout for the big tough kids roaming the neighbourhood, looking
to steal your hard earned candy. It was always difficult to tell
the harmless trick or treaters from those up to no good. This
year the kids are guaranteed to be out on Halloween night with
the wrong element - political candidates.
I don't recall the last time an election
and Halloween overlapped. Having mindless zombies going door
to door is sure to interfere with the kids trick or treating.
There are, however, simple ways to tell
if you have a kid or political candidate at the door.
On Halloween, a New Democrat candidate
will tell you that you should be ashamed, since some of their
best friends are Wiccan. Plus everyone they know wears black.
Then they'll stand at the door redistributing the candy of everyone
who shows up so each kid ends up with the same amount, regardless
of how many hours they've been out or how much effort they put
into their costume. And when they go home with a measly nine
pieces of toffee after a month of going door to door, they'll
claim it to be a moral victory.
If someone from the Bloq Quebecois shows
up at your door on Halloween, they'll take all your candy, declare
it to be an insult, claim you gave more to all the other kids,
and threaten to move out of the neighbourhood if you're not prepared
to give them more when they come back next week. Then you'll
get a summons to show up in Quebec language court because the
children didn't yell "Trick or Treat" equally as loud
in French as they did in English.
You'll think the pimply kid in the pizza
delivery outfit is one of the best costumes you've seen on Halloween,
until you learn it actually is the Conservative candidate and
he just hasn't finished his shift at his day job.
Alliance candidates promise that if they
push you down they'll only take a flat17% of your candy, even
though they really like sweets. After all, they're the ones who
believe life begins at confection.
And it's easy to tell if you have a Liberal
trick or treater - they're the ones who show up at your door
six months early.