February 20, 1998
My wife and I have decided to separate.
No, don't call in the lawyers. We're not
separating from each other.
We've decided to separate from the rest of
Canada.
We've been listening to Quebec heckle from the
sidelines of the Supreme Court of Canada case, and
figure the same rules should apply to us.
Why not? We don't like our neighbours. They
leave their garbage out back until it attracts
wildlife, and their kid screams all day like he's
in the process of donating an organ.
I'm pretty sure we pay more taxes than them too.
My wife has this unfortunate honest streak in her that is expensive
at tax time.
So we're declaring the Sovereign Republic of
Lautens. And like Quebec, we expect all of our
problems will magically disappear the moment we
become maitres chez nous.
Within a week of independence I expect to grow
to at least six foot two. Plus my chin will become
firmer and my sideburns will finally fill in. My
wife looks forward to claiming her historic right
to have Demi Moore's figure, which she feels the
rest of Confederation has deprived her of.
The only problem is, unlike Quebec, we don't
have a minority within our newly sovereign house.
What's the fun of having your own cultural
uniqueness unless you can deprive others of it? We
might have to take in a boarder, just so we can
deny him the right to put up signs in the basement
in his own language.
The best part about asserting our right to a
personal Unilateral Declaration of Independence is
not having to be logical about it. Like the Quebec
politicians, we won't let the facts get in the way
of our unreasonable demands.
Like claiming we're an oppressed minority within
Canada, the way Quebec's government does. Forget
the fact that Quebec has been home to most of our
Prime Ministers. Ignore that the Senate, House of
Commons and Cabinet is filled with Quebecers.
Don't acknowledge that if you want to be a senior
military officer or federal civil servant, you have
to be French-speaking.
You see, apparently you can have all these
things and still be oppressed and humiliated. It's
especially humiliating to accept a big salary and
all the fancy government perks that come with being
a separatist MP.
At a lunch not long ago I once asked the editor
of La Presse how Quebec could be oppressed
even though they've been running things since WWII.
He said that it was a matter of pride, and as an Anglo I just
couldn't understand.
When confronted with inconvenient facts, switch
arguments.
Like when Quebec uses the courts to fight
English language rights, but then turns around and
says the Supreme Court of Canada can't tell them
what to do.
Bouchard, worried what he plans is illegal, says
he doesn't have to respect the law. He is only
accountable to a higher power. He says democracy
is more important than the law that makes it
possible. He answers only to the will of the
people - as manipulated and interpreted by him, of
course.
He hears a little voice in his head. It tells
him to ignore a country based on a respect for the
law - laws that have given Quebec more freedom than
any other province in Canada and most countries in
the world.
And we all know what it means when people hear
voices in their heads, don't we?
By the way, you're all welcome to visit my new
country anytime. Just apply to my wife, my
Minister of Immigration, for a visa.
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