May 26, 2000
Wouldn't it be great if there was a phone
number you could call to keep you from doing stupid stuff?
For example, you're about to tell your wife
that your best friend has a spare hockey ticket on your anniversary.
Left on your own, you might be tempted to casually mention it.
You know, send up a trial balloon, just to see how she might
After all, she's an understanding woman. She
married you, didn't she? And your anniversary falls on a Wednesday,
and you've already said you'd take her out on Saturday. Like
the judge said, there's no harm in asking. Right?
You're sent to the video store with specific
instructions to pick up "Titanic". Next to it on the
shelf you see "Titanic 2: The Revenge" where Schwartzenegger
travels back through time with a team of robots to blow up the
iceberg. You convince yourself that she won't mind the switch,
or that she'll believe you when you say all four thousand copies
of Titanic were out.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Or you want to surprise her with a special
weekend getaway. You looked through all the brochures. You thought
about those places that feed you fancy foods or have 24-hour
massages, but she hates to be fussed over. So you decide a fishing
trip is just what she needs. Just you, her, and a twenty pound
muskie. You can bet the only thing in the bottom of the boat
gasping for air will be you.
And who could blame her?
On the other hand, who can blame us? Men just
aren't smart enough to recognize a really bad idea. Especially
if it involves us choosing between the right thing in a relationship
and what we really want.
Wouldn't it be great if you could call someone
who could head you off before you do or say something stupid?
What we men need is a 24-hour help line, like 1-800-BAD-IDEA.
It could be staffed by extremely patient women who can talk us
through these make or break relationship decisions.
Consider it a "Relationship 911"
Would men pay for this service? Just think
about how cold the garage can get in December. Or how camping
out under the stars can be fun, but a sleeping bag in the back
yard loses a lot of its charm after the first two weeks.
If there was such a service, a man could call
up and say: "She told me that she didn't want me making
a big thing about her birthday." And before any restraining
orders are necessary, he could be gently guided away from disaster.
There are those questions that simply have
no right answer. The trick is to be able to identify them before
you open your mouth.
Like: "If you never met me, which of
your old girlfriends would you have married?" The correct
answer is: "If I hadn't met you, I would never have married.
I probably would have ended up a hermit or monk."
There's the ever-popular, "Does this
make me look fat?" question. A quick call could keep you
from blurting out: "The dress looks fine - it's your butt
that looks big."
Trained relationship counsellors would tell
you the only correct answer is: "How could it possibly make
anyone as skinny as you look fat?"
Remember before you say anything, you have
the right to one phone call.