February 13, 1998
RRSP season is going to drive me crazy.
The Baby-Boomers have just discovered that
they're going to get old, and that they'll have to
put something away for their retirement.
The result is a frenzy of RRSP buying, driven
home by endless TV commercials telling us to save
for our future. I can't wait for the Boomers to
find out that eventually they're going to die too.
And it's not enough just to save for the future.
We have to go through endless choices about where to put our money -
anyone lucky enough to have money to put away, that
is. We have to pick an institution and a fund
manager, decide whether we're going to invest here
or internationally, and then pick from several
thousand mutual funds.
Apparently you now need a business degree just
to get old. You also need a strong back to carry
the phone book sized information packets in from
No matter what funds I look at before I plunk
down my couple hundred bucks, I never see the ones
I really want. That's why I've decided to suggest
a few new RRSP funds so they can be ready for next
THE BANK PRESIDENTS' SALARY FUND -
This RRSP-eligible mutual fund is geared to
increases in the salaries of the Presidents and
CEOs of the five (four? three?) major Canadian
banks. Since their salaries are the only things
guaranteed to go up year after year, this should
appeal to the cautious investor.
THE "JE ME SOUVIENS" RRSP FUND -
Up until now this mutual fund has only been
available to disgruntled Quebecers. The beauty of
this RRSP fund is the payout continues to go up
year after year, but other Canadians pay the
premiums for you. And no matter how well this fund
does, you still have the right to complain and ask
THE BAD CORPORATE CITIZEN FUND -
Tired of those ecological,
environmentally-friendly RRSP funds that only
invest in responsible multinational companies?
Putting your money into Peruvian weaving Co-ops and
organic Soya farms may make you feel good, but you
usually make squat on your investment. Now you
have an opportunity to put your money where the
real action is. Every company in this portfolio
exploits mankind or mother Earth in some way - and
we pass the profits on to you. Whether it's
children working in a coal mine for less than
minimum wage, leaky oil tankers or selling nuclear
power plants to Third World dictators, you can
watch your investment grow. If the world is going
to hell in a handcart, you might as well cash in
for your old age.
THE MILITIA RETIREMENT FUND -
While not a great performer, this is the fund
for hedging your bets for after the apocalypse.
Your money is invested in canned goods and
explosives and buried in bunkers across the
American mid-West. And you can collect your
dividend when the forces of Freedom (represented by
pimply, gun-toting twenty year-olds with a dozen
children and stringy-haired wives) finally defeat
the forces of Evil (represented by the UN, Disney
and the Post Office, and other liberal-humanist
conspiracies). The dividend will be payable mostly
in tins of corn and peas, and in various calibers.
This is of course tax free, because the tax
collectors will be the first ones against the wall
when the people, sick to death of RRSP season,
finally rise up.