November 28, 1997
The Washington Post has reported that they may
have found an old bank account in Switzerland
belonging to Lenin.
The long-dormant account was found when the
Swiss were forced to drop their cash drawers in the
search for Holocaust loot.
Comrade Lenin lived in Switzerland during World
War I, along with his wife Krupskaya. In 1917 the
Germans sponsored him on an all-expenses paid
junket back to Russia to throw a surprise party for
the Czar, and established the Workers' Paradise
where everyone had an equal right to be worked to
death.
So much for the history lesson.
But what history didn't record was the fact that
when Lenin left Switzerland, he also left behind
$70 that is still sitting in a Swiss bank.
The question still unanswered is why would he
leave town without cleaning out the bank account.
It's not like Lenin had a bank card and could step
up to a Moscow ATM to make a withdrawal.
I figure Lenin had the same problem we all have.
It's easy to put money into a bank, but not always
so easy to get it back out.
I can see Lenin coming home from the bank
empty-handed, his wife Krupskaya waiting on the
stairs:
"Did you get the money?" she'd ask.
"Well," Lenin fidgeted with his proletarian
cloth cap, "it was like this. The bank had to
check my signature against the card, but the guy
who checks the signatures was at lunch, so I sat
down and waited. Then they needed two pieces of
ID, and my Young Communist Book Club card wasn't
good enough."
Krupskaya looked annoyed. "So what did you do?"
"I demanded to see my capitalist oppressor
account manager," Lenin said striking a heroic
pose.
"And did the running dog lackey of the
imperialist money merchants hand over the cash?"
The Father of the Revolution looked at the
floor. "Not exactly. He said it wouldn't be fair
to me to give me my money."
"And why not?" Krupskaya's eyebrows came
together like two unfriendly bulldogs. Lenin knew
he was in trouble. He'd rather face a hundred
counter-revolutionaries than an angry wife.
"Well, my money is tied up in a fixed term GIC
account, and there's a substantial penalty for
early withdrawal. I can't get at it until next
Thursday."
"But the Revolution is scheduled for this
Saturday," Krupskaya yelled. "There's pamphlets to
print. Bombs to buy. And those outside agitators
aren't free you know."
"But Kruppy..." Lenin whined.
"Don't you Kruppy me," she snapped. "We need
that money. I can't be seen storming the palace in
this dress. Now go back and make that withdrawal."
Lenin looked at his watch. "I can't. It's
after 3:00. The bank is closed."
"I don't know," Lenin's wife sighed. "You can't
even be trusted with the family banking. I don't
know how you're going to establish the Socialist
Paradise."
"Don't worry," Lenin soothed. "My bank manager
has it all figured out. Next year he wants to move
me into mutual funds."
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