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Bank Customers of the World, Unite!

by Stephen Lautens

November 28, 1997

The Washington Post has reported that they may have found an old bank account in Switzerland belonging to Lenin.

The long-dormant account was found when the Swiss were forced to drop their cash drawers in the search for Holocaust loot.

Comrade Lenin lived in Switzerland during World War I, along with his wife Krupskaya. In 1917 the Germans sponsored him on an all-expenses paid junket back to Russia to throw a surprise party for the Czar, and established the Workers' Paradise where everyone had an equal right to be worked to death.

So much for the history lesson.

But what history didn't record was the fact that when Lenin left Switzerland, he also left behind $70 that is still sitting in a Swiss bank.

The question still unanswered is why would he leave town without cleaning out the bank account. It's not like Lenin had a bank card and could step up to a Moscow ATM to make a withdrawal.

I figure Lenin had the same problem we all have. It's easy to put money into a bank, but not always so easy to get it back out.

I can see Lenin coming home from the bank empty-handed, his wife Krupskaya waiting on the stairs:

"Did you get the money?" she'd ask.

"Well," Lenin fidgeted with his proletarian cloth cap, "it was like this. The bank had to check my signature against the card, but the guy who checks the signatures was at lunch, so I sat down and waited. Then they needed two pieces of ID, and my Young Communist Book Club card wasn't good enough."

Krupskaya looked annoyed. "So what did you do?"

"I demanded to see my capitalist oppressor account manager," Lenin said striking a heroic pose.

"And did the running dog lackey of the imperialist money merchants hand over the cash?"

The Father of the Revolution looked at the floor. "Not exactly. He said it wouldn't be fair to me to give me my money."

"And why not?" Krupskaya's eyebrows came together like two unfriendly bulldogs. Lenin knew he was in trouble. He'd rather face a hundred counter-revolutionaries than an angry wife.

"Well, my money is tied up in a fixed term GIC account, and there's a substantial penalty for early withdrawal. I can't get at it until next Thursday."

"But the Revolution is scheduled for this Saturday," Krupskaya yelled. "There's pamphlets to print. Bombs to buy. And those outside agitators aren't free you know."

"But Kruppy..." Lenin whined.

"Don't you Kruppy me," she snapped. "We need that money. I can't be seen storming the palace in this dress. Now go back and make that withdrawal."

Lenin looked at his watch. "I can't. It's after 3:00. The bank is closed."

"I don't know," Lenin's wife sighed. "You can't even be trusted with the family banking. I don't know how you're going to establish the Socialist Paradise."

"Don't worry," Lenin soothed. "My bank manager has it all figured out. Next year he wants to move me into mutual funds."


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