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How To Be A Loser

by Stephen Lautens

August 27, 1999

By now everyone has heard of Buford Furrow, a man who would have passed through this world unnoticed except for the fact he took a machine gun into a Jewish daycare and wounded five people, including three children.

In Toronto, two Jewish seniors were beaten by cowards. The reason? Apparently because they were Jewish and on their way to Synagogue.

Then there's Waco, Oklahoma City and the Unibomber. Not to mention the various militias and other whackjobs wandering around, just waiting to explode.

So, what does it take to be a nut?

First, pick a group and blame your problems on them. It doesn't matter if you don't know anything about them, or even if you've never met one. They are the cause of everything wrong in your life. They are why your wife left, your dog died, and you got fired from that mailroom job.

Talk a lot about the accomplishments of your race, religious group or ethnic group, even though you've never done anything with your own life. It doesn't matter if you're a loser, as long as you come from a race of winners.

If you are a loser, its not your fault. It's the fault of the international conspiracy of Freemasons, Catholics, Jews, feminists, immigrants, Communists, Capitalists, etc., and their puppets in government and the media. The fact that they deny the existence of a conspiracy is further proof that it exists.

Claim you have a historic right to something that belongs to someone else. Nurse the grudge for 700 years instead of getting on with your life. Feel a strong tie to some place you've never seen, and be prepared to throw rocks at people who have never done you any personal harm.

Argue that everyone but you should be shipped back to their ancestors' country of origin. After all, you are the only one who has a right to be here, not matter how lonely it gets.

Believe the government only exists to cause you inconvenience.

Claim that Jesus belongs to your own ethnic group. After all, there were lots of tall, blond, blue-eyed people born in the Middle East two thousand years ago.

Decide the Bible, Koran, or holy book of your choice, requires you to hate other people instead of loving them. Believe you have been given a divine mission to hurt and maim innocent people.

Join a group of like-minded losers. Spend your holidays in a compound deep in the woods firing weapons at cardboard cutouts of your enemies and rolling around in the mud. Wear a lot of camo. Always carry a knife. Sing a lot of hymns.

Have 50 or 60 handguns, and complain that the government is limiting your freedom by denying you a bazooka. It is after all your God-given right to protect yourself with anti-tank weapons.

Fill your basement with canned goods and ammo. Have your own newsletter and fill it with spelling mistakes. Publish it on the Internet.

Get a book by mail order on how to make explosives, and then blow off your own thumb mixing the stuff on the stove.

Finally, teach your children to hate other children in their class because they're different and don't look like them.

That way they can grow up to be as big a loser as you.

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