August 20, 1999
There have been a bunch of things that have been bugging me
for weeks, and its about time I got them off my chest. So I have
compiled a list of things that drive me nuts.
1. I hate the fact that even as I get my first few gray hairs,
I'm still getting zits. Is it too much to ask to get just one
clear day between puberty and old age?
2. Those little plastic stickers grocery stores put on every
single vegetable drive me crazy. It's because their highly trained
clerks can't tell the difference between a pepper and a pomegranate.
I never find them until after I've cut up the green pepper and
thrown it in the frying pan.
3. Stores that post signs in change rooms that that tell me
surveillance cameras have been installed "for my protection".
It's not for my protection. It's to keep the store from being
robbed blind by shoplifters.
4. Signs in bank windows that announce they are open from
10 till 4 "for my convenience". If it was for my convenience,
they would be open when I'm not at work.
5. They change the format of my credit card / electric / gas
bill every second month. That means I'm always hunting around
the page to find the amount and due date.
6. Sitting in a movie theatre and realizing half way through
it's a remake of something crummy you saw on TV last week.
7. Bands that play violent, bleak and nihilistic music at
Woodstock 99, and then are shocked when the Gen Xers go berserk
and set fire to the stage.
8. Gas stations that crank up the price 4 cents in a single
afternoon, when you know that it's the same gas that's been sitting
in the tank all week.
9. Bills that come with a return envelope that is too small
for any normal cheque.
10. My co-worker, the Star Wars fan. I told him about going
to see the original Star Wars on its opening day in 1977. I asked
if he remembered going to the original opening too. He told me
he was only four years old in 1977.
11. I love all-day breakfast. I hate being told in a restaurant
that their "all-day breakfast" is only served until
noon. Just what do they think "all-day" means?
12. Asking for a seat in non-smoking, and being led to a table
with an ashtray. When you repeat you wanted non-smoking, they
take the ashtray away, as if the second-hand smoke you wanted
to avoid is your own.
13. Talking about everything in terms of business economics.
"What's the return on investment of health care?" "Education
is not meeting the needs of the information market economy."
"Toddlers need to strive for more value-added market leadership
at nap time." Enough already! Not everything can or should
be reduced to dollars or profit.
14. Thanks to Conrad Black honking off the PM, I no longer
have a chance of the Queen ever naming me Lord Lautens, Earl
of Moosejaw (or something). Way to spoil it for everyone, Conrad.
I'm sorry. It just had to be said. Now I feel better.