June 25, 1999
You can tell it's been a slow news week. All the big stories
have played themselves out.
The cabinet shuffle all those political writers "in the
know" kept talking about isn't going to happen now for a
couple of months. The APEC Inquiry has dropped from sight. No
one's getting bombed anymore in Yugoslavia, and the appointment
of a new Supreme Court Justice barely registers on the Snooze-O-Meter.
So I guess I can't blame the media for making a big deal out
of a ridiculous rumour.
Apparently, someone in Ottawa overheard someone else talking
to the next door neighbour of their second cousin's hairdresser.
What they think they might have heard was that at their next
meeting the cabinet is going to discuss the idea of an economic
union with the United States.
Thank God, said all the journalists from sea to shining sea.
Something we can get in a lather about, just as everyone was
starting to take it easy.
The analysts, pundits, and pollsters were just about ready
to pack up and head to the cottage for the next two months. The
summer is their lean season, when ordinary Canadians are more
interested in what's in the cooler and on the barbeque than what's
But say that "highly placed sources" are plotting
to adopt the American dollar, and every real Canadian with maple
syrup in his or her veins will put down the tongs and two-four
and join the debate.
Besides, it's really the only time anyone will listen to an
Forget for the moment the fact that the United States probably
has zero interest in an economic union with Canada. We're like
Grandma's attic. They know it's up there, but don't know what
we keep in it. Like Al Capone said: "Canada? I don't even
know what street it's on."
The only way the US would be interested in us would be if
Bill Gates bought the Great White North and resold it as Canada.com.
Of course, if he did that, the blackflies wouldn't be bugs anymore
they'd be features.
But far be it for me to not make the most out of an unsubstantiated
rumour. All this talk got me thinking about the advantages of
an economic union with the US, such as:
- Faster hockey games, since we'd only have to play one anthem.
- Save money on only one capital.
- We finally get an elected Senate, no matter how useless even
the elected ones turn out to be.
- Opportunity to participate in race riots and associated looting.
- Money saved by the Canadian Mint by not having to use coloured
inks to print money.
- Cheap guns for the kids.
- After being sold to Disney, the Mounties will be ours again.
- Quebec will finally get to see what being an oppressed minority
is really like.
- Quality health care, as long as you qualify for a second
- A higher crime rate means job creation since we'll need more
law enforcement officers and prison guards.
- We'll get back Mike Myers, William Shatner, Martin Short,
Alex Trebeck and Shania Twain.
And of course, I wouldn't mind being paid in Yankee greenbacks,
unless of course if the prices are in US dollars too.