May 30, 2003
It looks like relations between the United States and Iran are about to get worse. The US has set its sights on Iraqs next door neighbour and is reported to be "ready to embrace an aggressive policy of trying to destabilize the Iranian government."
Of course, it would be unfair of the US to go after Iran without spelling out what the problem is, so heres a draft memo President Bush should feel free to use to make his position clearer.
Memo to Iranian Fellers From President Bush:
Hows it going? Hot enough for ya? Of course it is - yall live in a desert.
So enough of the small talk. Lets get down to business, as we say in Texas.
It has come to my attention that in spite of our warnings, you people continue to be Iranians. And dont think you can get away with anything by calling yourselves Persians. I looked it up - it turns out youre one and the same people. Why youd want to name a country after a rug Ill never know.
We have also learned that your government has been infiltrated at every level by Muslims. Not only that, but they dont make any bones about being Muslims. In fact, I dont think you even have a single Methodist in your government.
Its not like weve forgotten about that hostage taking back in the seventies. We even had to have our people saved by some small potatoes country. It was that little country to the north of the United States, the name of which escapes me for the moment. For a while I thought it was Mexico, but then the Secretary of State pointed out that I had my globe upside down. It turns out its that country thats coloured in all red on the maps - Canada.
I once got one of their quarters in the White House soda machine. I see theyre still ruled by a queen up there. Dont think that once all this is over were not going to look into liberating them too.
So back to you Iranians or Persians, or whatever. Remember the Iraqi deck of cards? Well, I just got off the phone with Kinkos, and theyre ready to whip up a new batch with you guys on them. They can be ready Thursday, unless that Greg guy is on the desk, since he screws up all our orders. Friday at the latest. And within a week everyone will be flooded with emails offering them for sale. Ask yourself, is there anything more embarrassing than showing up as the two of clubs?
Do you still think we need proof before we get tough with you guys? Remember those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Were still looking for them - the same way OJ is still looking for the real killers. All I have to do is get someone to call up CNN to say theyve been shipped to Syria or Baltic Avenue or somewhere. Next thing you know itll be on one of those bulletins with a picture of the World Trade Center in the background, and Bobs your uncle, whatever that means.
And dont count on the American people being tired of war. Until the next Survivor series comes on theres nothing good to watch anyway. Baseball season is slow and no one cares about the teams in the Stanley Cup.
You can see Im no Jimmy Carter. No one is about to give me the Nobel Peace Prize, if you know what I mean, so watch yourselves.
Dont say I didnt warn you.