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Weaons of Mass Distraction

by Stephen Lautens


April 18, 2003

Well, it’s all over except for the looting. All Iraq has to look forward to over the next few weeks is the Mother of All Garage Sales, when everyone puts all the useless stuff they stole out of government buildings out on the sidewalk to sell to each other. Honestly, how many solid gold toilet brushes do you really need?

The real market is going to be selling war souvenirs to the GIs stationed there. Things like cheap cotton shirts that say: "I liberated Iraq and all I got was this lousy tee shirt" or "Last week I couldn’t even spell democracy - now I’m Leader of the Opposition." Also popular will be the joke boxer shorts with a picture of a Scud missile and "Weapon of Mass Destruction" written on the front.

Speaking of weapons of mass destruction (or WMDs, as the war jocks like to call them), where do you suppose they are? Iraq was supposed to be brimming with them. After twelve years of feverish Iraqi chemical and biological weapons production, it should be standing room only in their arsenals of anti-democracy. That was, after all, why the US and Britain said they had no choice but to attack Iraq.

Maybe they’re just not looking in the right places. Here are a few helpful suggestions for the people looking for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction:

Have you checked between the seat cushions? In my house it’s amazing what you’ll find wedged in down there. You may not find anthrax in my living room sofa, but odds are pretty good you could find half a grilled cheese sandwich and couple of bucks of loose change.

Is there one of those fake plastic rocks out front of any of Saddam’s palaces? Suburbanites think they’re clever hiding their front door keys in one of those. If there are any big plastic boulders nearby, turn them over to see if there’s a secret compartment. The same goes for big cans of fake cleanser in any of Saddam’s broom closets. See if the bottom unscrews to reveal a secret stash.

Look for a lost luggage receipt from Air Canada. Maybe instead of sending Iraq stocks of WMD in a suitcase to Syria, the airline has it sitting on the ‘unclaimed’ carousel in Saskatoon.

Check the pockets of Saddam’s other coat. That’s where my lost stuff always ends up (not Saddam’s coat - mine). No matter what jacket I wear, my keys are always in the other one. If there’s nothing in the coat, check the pockets of the pants at the end of his bed.

Has anyone looked inside the mirrored disco ball in Uday’s love shack? By all accounts Saddam’s son Uday is a ruthless psychopath with a thing for shag carpeting and art that should be on the side of a van. After all, a man who liked the last Austin Powers movie is capable of anything.

Maybe someone should analyze the clog in Saddam’s Jacuzzi. It might not be the ex-dictator’s moustache and back hair after all.

Check out the Baghdad perfume factory making the former number one Iraqi fragrance: "Infectious" (although Saddam’s "Oppression" also smells).

Wherever they are hidden, I hope they do find Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, otherwise the US will have to fall back on the excuse of ridding the world of one evil dictator for going to war with Iraq.

That would be one evil dictator down, about a hundred and twenty left to go.

© Stephen Lautens 2003

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