Mad scientists sure aren't what they used to
You used to be able to spot a mad scientist
by his (or her) white lab coat, frizzy hair and evil laugh. At some
point you could count on them to announce they were going to blow up
the earth, make their enemies suffer unspeakable torment, or unleash
unnatural forces on an unsuspecting world.
What the Raelians have done, with their
ridiculous announcement of having created not one but two cloned
babies, is made a laughing stock of the whole mad scientist
community. Personally, if I was a mad scientist, I'd be pretty
upset. Two hundred years of being feared and hated for conducting
evil experiments has pretty much now gone down the drain.
First of all, no self respecting mad
scientist who was playing God would ever reveal their unholy
experiments by sending a spokesperson to a news conference. It used
to be the only announcement a mad scientist would make was by way of
boiling oil over a castle wall. As an alternative, sometimes you'd
send out your hunchback (sorry - the
"spinally-challenged") to deal with angry villagers. But
you never called a press conference where the audience waved cameras
instead of torches and pitchforks.
At the least you'd expect a spokesperson to
wave a fist angrily at the nonbelievers and swear that everyone will
pay for their insolence and mocking disbelief. Instead the Raelien
spokeswoman cheerfully giggles through interviews when her cloning
claim is called a fraud. She just bats her eyelashes when any decent
representative from the mad scientist community would be blasting
skeptics with a death ray while chortling: "Taste my vengeance
you puny mortals - this will be the last time you doubt my evil
And cloning was never intended to be misused
to create cute little baby boys and girls. I can hear the president
of the Mad Scientist Union Local 101 say: "For crying out loud,
if all you wanted to produce was an ordinary kid, why go through all
the trouble of cloning? Why not just buy a couple bottles of tequila
and a Barry White album?"
Everyone knows cloning's legitimate
scientific purpose is to create islands full of dinosaurs who will
break through flimsy fences and devour their vain creators. No
legitimate mad scientist would go to all that trouble just to clone
a future little leaguer. What's the point if you're not going to
create a kid who can shoot laser beams shot out of its eyes or make
your head explode by staring at it?
Of course the whole thing is a fake and a
fraud. Claude Vorilhon, founder of the Raelian movement and Clonaid,
claims to have met space aliens who told him that we humans are
clones of them. Presumably they are also the ones who told him to go
around dressed like Obi Wan Kenobi. The Raelians strike me as people
who would have trouble working a photocopier, let alone master human
But I'm afraid the damage is already done to
those evil madmen and madwomen who legitimately toil in the darkness
of dank dungeons. It must be discouraging to not be feared any more,
not to mention all the money they've thrown away on lightning rods,
lab coats and equipment with big dials.
Thanks to the Raelians, no one is ever going
to take our hard-working mad scientists seriously again.