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Buddy Can You Spare Some Brains?

by Stephen Lautens

August 8, 1997

Last week Danish researchers announced a startling find.

Men have on average 4 billion more brain cells than women.

After sticking 94 cadavers in the cuisinart and then counting their brain cells, they found that women have an average of 19 billion brain cells and men have 23 billion of the little gray suckers.

Before we men start lording our brain cell superiority over the fairer sex, the researchers were quick to point out that our 4 billion extra do not make us smarter.

Scientists were asked what men do with our brainy surplus.

"Right now," said Dr. Bente Pakkenberg, "it's a mystery."

So once again it is up to us columnists to step in where the highly educated fear to tread.

There are many things those extra brain cells allow men to do, none of which I might add makes us any smarter:

  1. Drink beer. Of the 4 billion extra brain cells, you have to figure we kill at least half on Saturday nights and at stags. The surplus is nature's way of making sure men don't lose the power of speech (at least permanently).
  2. Commit to memory reams of baseball and hockey statistics. Useful in the office sports pools, nowhere else.
  3. Allow us to watch up to five television channels simultaneously. This has resulted in much TV converter envy among our less brainy female companions, not to mention domestic violence and divorce.
  4. Be able to figure out instinctively which of the many suspects will be arrested and hauled off to jail on the TV show COPS. (Hint: keep your eyes on the guy wearing a baseball hat but no shirt.)
  5. Memorize every episode of the Three Stooges, the Simpsons, and Monty Python. It might come in handy. What if aliens arrive and threaten to blow up the Earth unless we know all the words to the Dead Parrot Sketch?
  6. It's where we store our vast knowledge of how to do things without using any of the proper tools. Women always want to open a can using a can opener. Men can improvise with anything that is handy - a rock, shoe, shotgun, Buick. That's what separates us from the beasts. (Particularly the less bright ones).
  7. Remember the engine sizes of all Ford products since the 1920s. Like sports, men have an almost infinite ability to store arcane car trivia.
  8. The ability to navigate without consulting a map. Men are never lost. Sometimes roads aren't where they should be.
  9. Hide our true feelings. It only seems like men are insensitive blobs. We in fact have deep feelings. For example, just the other day, I felt hungry.
  10. And finally, we men devote that extra 4 billion brain cells to better understanding and appreciating women.

If you ever needed proof that more brains doesn't make us any smarter, there it is.

Mystery solved.

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