June 7, 2002
It's now official. Scientists claim women
are better liars than men.
We men have long suspected it, simply due to
the fact that we can never catch women in the middle of telling a
fib. On the other hand, we can't open our mouths without getting
Researchers at Queen Margaret University
College, Edinburgh think they have scientific proof. They've come to
the conclusion that women are more "fluent speakers" than
men. We men apparently are almost twice as likely to pause or
hesitate when we lie, and that's what gives us away when we're
sneaking in late after "visiting a sick friend." Of course
they can tell our sick friend's name is most likely Jack Daniels or
Speech pathologists say that men aren't as
quick on their feet when thinking up plausible excuses to explain
why we were seen having lunch with a redhead instead of being at the
dentist like we said. When cornered, we freeze, stammer and
generally fill our lame explanations with too many 'ums' and 'ahs's
to be believable.
The researchers thought that we men choke up
when we lie because we're taking our time to put together a
convincing story. Personally, I don't believe this is true. I think
we hesitate because men generally don't think very far ahead,
especially if we've just come back from betting (and losing) the
farm down at the racetrack and spending our last few dollars at a
bar where the entertainment is of the table top variety.
Being simple creatures, men to make up
things on the spot instead of carefully planning our fibs out in
advance. And tip-toeing into the bedroom at 3 am is not the best
time to get creative, especially if you're facing a distinctly
Maybe we get caught more because men lie
about a very predictable things - like sports prowess and our love
lives. It's not long before someone opens up the high school
yearbook and finds we were captain of the chess club and not the
football team. Or our nickname was "fumbles". And when
they finally dig up a photo of that gorgeous ex-girlfriend we kept
bragging about, she looks more like Janet Reno than Janet Jackson.
Science has so far not made any discoveries
about why women may be better at stretching the truth than men.
Maybe they're smoother liars, or we're just slower to catch on. It
may be that women don't have as much reason to fib about anything.
Or since they've caught us in so many dumb lies, they can pretty
much do whatever they want without having to sneak around, and if
we're smart, we'll just keep our mouths shut.
In fact, I can't remember a single instance
of a woman ever lying to me. Or maybe what I really don't remember
is ever catching a woman lying to me. Either way, that's a pretty
impressive batting average.
Personally, I learned long ago that I'm a
terrible liar. I was always sure people could tell when I was
telling a nose-stretcher. One look at me and I'd sweat more than a
cabinet minister during Question Period. Plus I was immediately
overcome with a desire to make a full confession, which would also
prove a disadvantage to a successful political career.
So for years honesty has been the best
policy with me.
After all, would I lie to you?