Home Sweet Home
The obligatory bio
Charites & Organizations
My Calgary Sun Column & More
Law Stuff
Gary Lautens
E-mail me!

Step on the Gas

by Stephen Lautens


March 15, 2002

For the last few weeks environmentalists, business leaders and politicians have been debating whether we should sign the Kyoto Accord limiting the greenhouse gases that scientists say are behind global warming.

The Federal government even sent around a flyer last month explaining why we should be concerned about warmer weather. I question whether sending it out in February was such a great idea, since that's the month when most Canadians would throw their own mother on the fire to keep warm.

In this rush to condemn the destruction of our environment, I think maybe we're overlooking some of the possible benefits of global warming.

For example:

If the summers keep getting warmer we won't have to rake leaves in the fall anymore. Instead, they'll just shrivel up on the trees and burst into flames on their own.

You won't have to worry about your dinner getting cold on the table when you have to answer the phone to talk to a telemarketer. If the regular air temperature is the same as the inside of an oven, it will stay hot indefinitely.

Kids will be able to play with hot road tar in the middle of January.

If you buy now, you'll be able to get in on the ground floor of my new mutual fund that exclusively holds stocks in companies that sell air conditioners, ice cream and asbestos suits.

People who would have moved to Arizona because of their asthma will now be able to stay in the dry, arid desert formerly known as Hudson's Bay.

In desperation, people will actually start watching the CBC, since going outside for more than three minutes will cause skin cancer.

Coppertone will be able to find a market for their SPF 50,000 sunscreen, which is now only sold to people who stand next to nuclear explosions.

There will be a boom for realtors converting caves into condos for yuppies who want to live beneath the surface.

Fishermen won't have to worry about renting or buying an expensive boat or even fishing rods. They'll be able to walk out into the middle of the dried up lake and kick a fish to shore.

To get some warm weather Canadians won't have to spend their sixty-cent holiday dollars during March break in some dumpy island "paradise" where the locals would just as soon spit in your Margarita as look at you.

You won't mind someone giving you the cold shoulder - or anything else cold for that matter.

Without winter, earmuffs and boots will be a thing of the past.

Lemonade stands will become the hottest investment since internet stocks.

No one will feel the need to smoke anymore, since every time you go outside your hair will begin to smolder.

You won't have to worry about your neighbour's pet making a mess in your yard, since any animal left outside will quickly turn into dog jerky.

Finally, one of the best things about global warming is if you've been bad all your life, Hell won't seem quite so hot anymore.

© Stephen Lautens 2002

Back to column archive index