March 15, 2002
For the last few weeks environmentalists,
business leaders and politicians have been debating whether we
should sign the Kyoto Accord limiting the greenhouse gases that
scientists say are behind global warming.
The Federal government even sent around a
flyer last month explaining why we should be concerned about warmer
weather. I question whether sending it out in February was such a
great idea, since that's the month when most Canadians would throw
their own mother on the fire to keep warm.
In this rush to condemn the destruction of
our environment, I think maybe we're overlooking some of the
possible benefits of global warming.
If the summers keep getting warmer we won't
have to rake leaves in the fall anymore. Instead, they'll just
shrivel up on the trees and burst into flames on their own.
You won't have to worry about your dinner
getting cold on the table when you have to answer the phone to talk
to a telemarketer. If the regular air temperature is the same as the
inside of an oven, it will stay hot indefinitely.
Kids will be able to play with hot road tar
in the middle of January.
If you buy now, you'll be able to get in on
the ground floor of my new mutual fund that exclusively holds stocks
in companies that sell air conditioners, ice cream and asbestos
People who would have moved to Arizona
because of their asthma will now be able to stay in the dry, arid
desert formerly known as Hudson's Bay.
In desperation, people will actually start
watching the CBC, since going outside for more than three minutes
will cause skin cancer.
Coppertone will be able to find a market for
their SPF 50,000 sunscreen, which is now only sold to people who
stand next to nuclear explosions.
There will be a boom for realtors converting
caves into condos for yuppies who want to live beneath the surface.
Fishermen won't have to worry about renting
or buying an expensive boat or even fishing rods. They'll be able to
walk out into the middle of the dried up lake and kick a fish to
To get some warm weather Canadians won't
have to spend their sixty-cent holiday dollars during March break in
some dumpy island "paradise" where the locals would just
as soon spit in your Margarita as look at you.
You won't mind someone giving you the cold
shoulder - or anything else cold for that matter.
Without winter, earmuffs and boots will be a
thing of the past.
Lemonade stands will become the hottest
investment since internet stocks.
No one will feel the need to smoke anymore,
since every time you go outside your hair will begin to smolder.
You won't have to worry about your
neighbour's pet making a mess in your yard, since any animal left
outside will quickly turn into dog jerky.
Finally, one of the best things about global
warming is if you've been bad all your life, Hell won't seem quite
so hot anymore.