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Building A Better Husband

by Stephen Lautens

November 6, 1998

Consider this a public service for husbands everywhere.

There are a lot of simple things that men should be doing to keep on the good side of their wives and girlfriends. The problem is, we men haven't a clue what they are.

And we don't get a lot of help figuring it out either. Women's magazines make it sound like a happy relationship is all about sex and communications.

Baloney. If only it were that simple. Loving someone is a lot easier than living with them.

So I've been keeping a little list of personal observations that I think can make men instantly into better husbands.

First, for some reason men are incapable of filling an ice cube tray. We know how to use ice. I'm pretty sure they covered how to make ice in grade eight science.

Yet men cannot take an empty tray from the freezer to the tap and back again. I guarantee full ice cube trays will win your lady's heart.

You can lose her just as fast if you don't replace the toilet paper roll.

Men don't have the same relationship with toilet paper that women do. For us, it's functional, so we don't give it much thought.

Women think about it constantly - and not just when they see an empty roll hanging there. A sale on toilet paper at a drug store sends the women I know into a delirious frenzy. They know few joys greater than coming home with a 48-pack.

Nothing makes them madder than realizing there is none in the bathroom and the other 47 rolls are downstairs.

Even leaving the toilet seat up pales in comparison.

If you don't take a turn at doing the laundry once in a while, a good husband at least hits the laundry hamper with his socks and undies.

There's nothing wrong with throwing them across the room (unless you're in the middle of a dinner party) but if you miss the basket, pick them up.

Nothing makes a wife more unhappy than being treated like your mother.

And if you're asked for fashion advice, remember there is only one answer to the question: "Does this make me look fat?"

The answer is always: "No". But not just "no" - you have to say no without even looking up. If you look and consider the question, you're as good as admitting that the answer could be yes.

And a fitting room is no place for humour. Comments like: "It's not the dress, it's your hips" will not win you any Husband of the Year Awards. Unless you want to run for Ex-Husband of the Year.

A superior husband takes out the smelliest garbage, and doesn't insist you first look at the greenest things in the back of the fridge before throwing them out.

Finally, a good husband is always ready to kill household bugs. More important, after the offending insect has been squashed, a good husband doesn't say: "I can't believe you're afraid of a little bug."

My wife seems to find a centipede hiding in the coffee cups every morning. And every morning I roll up a paper and smash their little brains out.

A good husband is always willing to put his life on the line. Just don't use the last piece of toilet paper to pick the bug up.


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