January 18, 2002
The way women's magazines approach sex
has me scratching my head.
There are always a couple of these glossy
publications around the house. As an inquisitive male, I'm curious
to know what is being said about us behind our backs. Especially
when the covers promise to "unlock the secrets to fiery
passion" and "open the door to his (and your) wildest
I suppose I should have known that there
would be little reality inside these magazines. What else do
you expect to find when their cover girl is 14-year old Balkan
supermodel so thin you can see light through her?
But before you find the promised story
about tempting your man with illicit passion you have to fight
your way through a couple dozen perfume sample pages so strong
they will make your eyes water. If you're foolish enough to tear
any of them open, your living room will instantly begin to smell
like the funeral of a particularly well-liked mobster.
The magazine stories about "romance"
only seem to have two speeds. The first ones are so vague you
can't tell for the life of you what they're talking about. The
second bunch are so brutally clinical that you feel like you've
walked in on someone's annual physical.
For the most part, the articles in women's
magazines about spicing up your love life seem to revolve around
lighting candles and taking baths. It makes you wonder if their
readers spend most of their time sitting around in the dark and
need a good scrubbing behind the ears.
Frankly I'm amazed that women find any
need to resort to candles, lingerie or beds full of rose petals
to get some romance into their relationships with men. The truth
is, most men don't need that much encouragement.
Don't get me wrong it's not as
if we men don't like coming home to find someone standing in
the doorway with a rose in her teeth. I'm just saying that getting
our attention usually doesn't require that much preparation or
A simple "let's go" usually
does the trick.
And while silk teddies, lace undies and
pages two through twelve inclusive of the Victoria's Secrets
catalogue certainly gets our motors running, between you and
me, you ladies have about the same chance of scoring some major
league romance if you come to the door in baggy sweat pants and
a two-day old case of the flu.
I'd love to say it's because we men are
not hung up on looks and can see beyond such meaningless external
trappings. Unfortunately the opposite is true. Beauty may only
be skin deep, but men's shallowness goes right through to the
Blame biology, but most men were born
ready, and it's only our ability to be easily distracted by hockey,
engine repair and action movies that allows you women to have
any peace at all. If it wasn't for our short attention span,
the world's population would easily be double what it is.
So no matter what the women's magazines
say, there are only two ways to get a man fired up and ready
for romance. Either withhold your affection until it drives us
crazy, or lavish us with affection and be rewarded with dog-like
Especially that last one.