August 17, 2001
A poll of 1.2 million people from around
the world asked the simple question: "where will you go
when you die?"
I found the reported results surprising.
Almost a quarter of the people (probably the politicians) didn't
want to commit to an answer, and said they weren't sure. Twenty-four
percent said there's "another realm" waiting for them
on the other side of the bright light. Another quarter said their
celestial ticket had been punched and they were definitely heaven
A mere 16 percent figured the only thing
that waits for them at the end of this life is a big dirt nap.
What really stands out is the thin little
1% who said that when they died they were definitely going to
hell. No ifs, ands, or buts. They fully expect that whatever
they've done in life has earned them a timeshare with a brimstone
lake view at the Lucifer Estate Condos.
While I applaud the honesty of that 1%,
I can't help but feel there are a whole slew of others who have
underestimated the likelihood of their attendance at that eternal
Like anyone who kills in the name of
God. I can't believe the Supreme Being is going to be too happy
with anyone who blows up a bus full of school kids in His (or
Her) name. There will be a special seat at the big barbeque reserved
for those who hold a holy book in one hand and a gun in the other.
Scam artists who prey on the elderly,
hopeless or gullible are definitely headed south. The deep south,
They'll probably be accompanied by parents
who raise violent, useless kids and then wash their hands and
dump them on society to look after, pay for and eventually be
afraid of when we hear a noise at 3 am. Humanity should be taught
to contribute more with every generation, not take away from
it or expect a free ride.
Polluters, child abusers, people who
are cruel to animals, and the person who invented voicemail are
all on their way to pitchfork central.
The leaders of jerkwater third world
dumps (or first or second world nations for that matter) who
live in luxury while their people starve, have no clean water,
adequate healthcare or decent housing had better pack an extra
pair of asbestos undies.
There has to be a special place in hell
for people who park in handicapped spaces. It's right next to
those people who somehow get a handicapped parking sticker, but
leap out of the car at the beer store and carry back three cases
without so much as a limp.
The presidents of greedy corporations
that lay off thousands in the name of competitiveness and then
cash in big 'performance' bonuses are going to have a lot to
answer for at the Pearly Gates. I'm not sure Saint Peter is going
to be too impressed with that kind of balance sheet.
While we're at it, let's also throw into
the fiery pit those persistent telemarketers who won't take no
for an answer, along with people who answer their cell phones
during movies or blab surprise endings while you're waiting in
line to get in.
Let's face it. The only people who aren't
going to hell are you and me.
And I'm starting to have my doubts about