July 20, 2001
There is no end to mankind's search for
faster food. It's not just microwave meals and instant coffee.
The grocery store already stocks such dubious culinary delights
as aerosol cheese and pre-cooked bacon.
I'm no stranger to weird instant foods.
As a kid I remember bugging my mother to bring home Space Food
Sticks a waxy tube "packed with energy" and "just
like the astronauts eat!" Well, if the astronauts ever ate
them, it's amazing they ever got off the ground. I think they
were a caramel version of the same stuff they make the O-rings
After three years of trying, an Oklahoma
State University food science professor has developed what the
world has been yearning for pre-packaged, plastic wrapped
slices of peanut butter. It will come in those little squares
like processed cheese.
It's being hailed as a time saving advance
in peanut butter technology. No more tearing of bread. No more
gangs of impatient rug rats around your ankles at lunch time,
howling for their P&B sandwiches. How did we ever live without
In that same spirit of invention, here
are some food-in-a-hurry products I've been working on you may
be seeing in a grocery store sometime soon:
Why go to all the trouble of opening a jar of honey, taking
off the lid, finding a spoon, and then lifting it all the way
to your mouth? HoneyJabbers are the new, fast way to enjoy honey.
Just take a single serving syringe of 100% pure honey out of
its bubble pack and inject it directly into your artery. No more
sticky fingers, and the honey gets right into your bloodstream
to give you the instant energy you need without having to go
to all the trouble of digesting it.
Who has time to boil spaghetti, let alone eat it? Based
on the popular children's toy Silly String, this aerosol can
actually fires a continuous strand of spaghetti into your mouth.
No need even for dishes. And you don't have to worry about that
age-old problem of cooking too much pasta either. As soon as
you're full, just stop spraying. Coming next meat balls
in a tube.
The Baloney Cannon is the fastest way to get lunch into a bunch
of hungry kids. Just line them up, have them open their mouths
and pull the trigger.
No matter how you feel about genetically
modified foods, you'll love our Megalettuce. Not only
does it last for months in your fridge, it has been engineered
to continually sweat your choice of salad dressings. Look for
it in Italian, Thousand Islands and cool ranch.
Hate brussel sprouts? Can't get your
kids to eat them? Now you can get the goodness of these vile,
pungent vegetables into you while you sleep. Just rub SproutScrub
facial crème into your face before you go to bed and let
all those vitamins effortlessly seep into your pores overnight.
Finally, there's the PizzaCD.
It's a mini pizza for those constantly on the go. Just pop this
thin crust snack into any CD player. Three minutes later you
can be eating a flat, tasteless disk. Perfect for the busy executive
grabbing a bite on the way to work. Make sure you try our newest
Don't think of it as fast food. Just
think of it as bad food fast.