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Even Faster Food

by Stephen Lautens


July 20, 2001

There is no end to mankind's search for faster food. It's not just microwave meals and instant coffee. The grocery store already stocks such dubious culinary delights as aerosol cheese and pre-cooked bacon.

I'm no stranger to weird instant foods. As a kid I remember bugging my mother to bring home Space Food Sticks ­ a waxy tube "packed with energy" and "just like the astronauts eat!" Well, if the astronauts ever ate them, it's amazing they ever got off the ground. I think they were a caramel version of the same stuff they make the O-rings out of.

After three years of trying, an Oklahoma State University food science professor has developed what the world has been yearning for ­ pre-packaged, plastic wrapped slices of peanut butter. It will come in those little squares like processed cheese.

It's being hailed as a time saving advance in peanut butter technology. No more tearing of bread. No more gangs of impatient rug rats around your ankles at lunch time, howling for their P&B sandwiches. How did we ever live without it?

In that same spirit of invention, here are some food-in-a-hurry products I've been working on you may be seeing in a grocery store sometime soon:

HoneyJabbers ­ Why go to all the trouble of opening a jar of honey, taking off the lid, finding a spoon, and then lifting it all the way to your mouth? HoneyJabbers are the new, fast way to enjoy honey. Just take a single serving syringe of 100% pure honey out of its bubble pack and inject it directly into your artery. No more sticky fingers, and the honey gets right into your bloodstream to give you the instant energy you need without having to go to all the trouble of digesting it.

Spaghetti String ­ Who has time to boil spaghetti, let alone eat it? Based on the popular children's toy Silly String, this aerosol can actually fires a continuous strand of spaghetti into your mouth. No need even for dishes. And you don't have to worry about that age-old problem of cooking too much pasta either. As soon as you're full, just stop spraying. Coming next ­ meat balls in a tube.

The Baloney Cannon is the fastest way to get lunch into a bunch of hungry kids. Just line them up, have them open their mouths and pull the trigger.

No matter how you feel about genetically modified foods, you'll love our Megalettuce. Not only does it last for months in your fridge, it has been engineered to continually sweat your choice of salad dressings. Look for it in Italian, Thousand Islands and cool ranch.

Hate brussel sprouts? Can't get your kids to eat them? Now you can get the goodness of these vile, pungent vegetables into you while you sleep. Just rub SproutScrub facial crème into your face before you go to bed and let all those vitamins effortlessly seep into your pores overnight.

Finally, there's the PizzaCD. It's a mini pizza for those constantly on the go. Just pop this thin crust snack into any CD player. Three minutes later you can be eating a flat, tasteless disk. Perfect for the busy executive grabbing a bite on the way to work. Make sure you try our newest flavour ­ Eminem.

Don't think of it as fast food. Just think of it as bad food fast.

© Stephen Lautens 2001

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