March 16, 2001
Quebec has a new Premier who has devoted
himself to the destruction of Canada. Well, pardon me if I don't
fall off the couch.
Ever since he sought the job as Breaker-Upper
in Chief, Bernard Landry has gone out of his way to pick fights
with the rest of Canada. First there was his "red rag"
comment. Then he got all sniffy about not being allowed to address
the Summit of the Americas next month just because he doesn't
have his own country yet.
Last week he was busy complaining that
Canada was holding back Quebec's economic growth, and they'd
be rolling in the piastres if it wasn't for us.
It gets a little tiresome after a while.
If I want to see big babies trying to pick fights, I'll poke
my nose over the fence of the local daycare. Or I'll just relive
the many pointless arguments I had with my college roommate.
So in the coming months, I thought I'd
give you a preview of some of the other things Landry may be
planning to blame on Canada:
- That we used the last toilet paper roll
in the House of Commons and didn't replace it.
- That we keep calling Landry in the middle
of dinner and asking if he's interested in saving money on long
- That English people pronounce it 'Kew-beck'
just to get on his nerves, even though they really know how to
- That Anglos were responsible for picking
out the outfit Celine Dion wore in Las Vegas when she and her
husband renewed their wedding vows.
- We cause the potholes as deep as swimming
pools that stud Montreal's highways by continually driving back
and forth from Ontario to Newfoundland.
- Drinking milk right out of the carton.
- That sending our kids to French immersion
doesn't show our commitment to bilingualism, but is really just
a cleverly disguised attempt to bring down Quebec culture from
- Leaving the heat on in the Senate even
though we know we're going to be out for the whole day.
- Humiliating Quebec by insisting that
French Canadians continue to accept key, high-paying jobs in
the Federal government and military.
- Our embarrassing attempts to speak high
school French while on holiday in Quebec City makes it impossible
for them to pretend we're actually admiring Americans.
- Turning on the CBC and finding out the
only thing there is to watch is a twelve hour curling marathon,
followed by nine hours of figure skating.
- All those ninety-five cent calls to
directory assistance, rather than just looking them up in the
- That we have humiliated Landry's new
Cabinet Minister, Richard Legendre, a former Tennis Canada director,
by not continuing to honour his 10% off card at the pro shop.
- That communicating directly with the
people of Quebec over the heads of the provincial government
is really unfair, since they may get an idea of what a wonderful
country this is to be part of.