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Golden Oldies

by Stephen Lautens


XXX

January 26, 2001

25 things that show you are getting old:

1. Centerfolds are now younger than your babysitter.

2. You remember the original movie - not the remake.

3. The clothes you wore in high school are back in style and are now being sold as 'vintage'.

4. Extreme sports only make you think of the possible injuries.

5. Cops and doctors are all beginning to look like teenagers.

6. People start holding the door for you, offering you their seat or speaking loudly and more slowly.

7. You buy shoes for their comfort, not their looks.

8. You really do buy Playboy for the articles. (Actually, buying Playboy instead of Maxim magazine is another sign that you're past it).

9. Your mailbox is always full of flyers for cemeteries and retirement homes

10. You still like Aerosmith, but don't turn the stereo volume past '2' - maybe '3' if you're having a really wild party.

11. You have the world's best-stocked bar, but you haven't had a drink in a week.

12. Instead of looking forward to Saturday night parties, when you finally get to one all you can think about is how early you can sneak out and go home.

13. You go to X-rated movies, but all you can think about is how lame the plot is.

14. When you sign up for hockey they immediately put you in the old timers' league - and demand a certificate from your heart doctor.

15. You still think of Susan Sarandon as a hot babe.

16. It suddenly dawns on you that you've known your high school buddies for a quarter of a century.

17. When you ask for help in a record store they immediately point you to the easy listening section. Also, referring to CDs as records is a dead giveaway of advanced years.

18. You're beginning to believe that looks aren't that important.

19. Your university's fundraising drive starts asking you for 'substantial contributions' because they assume you're old enough to have made a bundle by now.

20. You think metric, bilingualism, taxes, and government are the work of the devil, but you're starting to believe in lotteries.

21. Your chiropractor sees you naked more often than your wife does.

22. The hair on your back is longer than the hair on your head.

23. You can use the words 'groovy', 'happenin' and 'outtasight' with a straight face.

24. You spend all your time thinking about how old you're getting.

25. If there is a 25th thing, you can't remember it at the moment, but you're sure you've written it down somewhere.

x
© Stephen Lautens 2001

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