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Good Riddance
To 2000

by Stephen Lautens


XXX

December 29, 2000

I can't say that 2000 was a banner year. With all the hoo-hah that greeted its arrival, it sure didn't live up to expectations.

By the way, what ever happened to all that Y2K stuff? I was almost looking forward to riding around a nightmarish post-industrial world in a dune buggy and sporting a leather jockstrap and a pink Mohawk. Imagine my disappointment when on Monday morning I had to go in to work.

And it's taken almost the whole year for my pink Mohawk to grow out.

There are still Y2K hats and novelties crowding the shelves in dollar stores. It makes you wonder what all the fuss was about. I read that North America spent hundreds of billions on Y2K compliance and Russia spent about $7.43. Nobody in either place had any real problem with the Y2K stuff, and I can't help feeling like a sucker. It was as big a disappointment as Darva Conger's wedding night.

Speaking of which, what can you say about a year that is most memorable for three television shows: Survivor, and Who Wants to Be And / Or Marry a Millionaire? Reality TV has everyone glued to their sets watching people week after week who you wouldn't spend five minutes with at the office Christmas party.

It sort of makes you wish Y2K had turned off the power permanently in 2000.

2000 thankfully saw those obnoxious 12 year old dot-com billionaires turned back into being just nerdy kids looking for an advance on their allowance.

What's the IPO worth for www.mowingthelawn.com?

In fact, at the end of 2000 everyone is so fed up with prosperity and the good life that the bankers, politicians and newspapers seem to be itching for a good recession. And that's the thing about a recession - if enough people talk about it, it'll happen.

Of course, companies like the Royal Bank only made a piddling $2 billion profit this year. So do us all a favour - sit back and enjoy your caviar and champagne and don't spoil things for the rest of us.

Politics in 2000 also was a bit of a fizzle. Stockwell dared Chretien to call an election, so he did. As my grandmother used to say, be careful what you wish for - you might get it. The election itself had all the drama of a Moose Lodge presidential race.

It says something about how exciting it was when Canada is overcome with a wave of Joe Clark nostalgia.

And the death of Trudeau showed just how fast Canadians can go from grief to bitchy. You could have used a stopwatch to time how quickly the pigmies of the press went from praising Trudeau as a great Canadian to slagging him. For his part, I'm sure Pierre is looking down with a "fuddle-duddle" for them all.

The 2000 Olympics were a blip as they went by. The good thing about having them in Australia is we got to sleep through them. Let's hope China gets them in 2008 for the same reason. It will also stop Torontonians from junketting around the world telling them what a world-class city it is and how they plan to use the stadium afterward as a socialist daycare co-op bird sanctuary.

So good riddance to 2000 and welcome to the real Millennium. And let me know if you want to buy a second-hand generator real cheap.

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© Stephen Lautens 2000

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